Sonshine and Doll

My children, oh my children. They are as different as night and day not just in their genitals but also in their personalities right down to the food they eat. 

Everyday it is like a psychotic warfare for me, swinging my mental self from point to point. Each child has his or her unique make up and I've to adjust myself accordingly. 

When disciplining,  it's no use talking sense to my son. All that talking will fly over his head, the moment he hears my normal tone, he shuts out and will drift off in his head. The way to go with him is to raise my voice up to a high notch, as high as I can possibly master. This way it will shake him out of his system. Sometimes, I've even have to get physical with him and use harsh words to get my point across. Otherwise, he will simply wait for the session to be over while sending his thoughts far away but with me. Despite receiving that many verbal abuse from me, he somehow has the full confidence, beyond any shadow of doubt that I still love him. He doesn't need me to remind or assure him.

Using that same tyrant methodology on my daughter would be like smashing a set of china. Her heart and soul will break into a million pieces if I ever raise my voice at her. For her, I've to talk sense to her, reason with her and assure her I love her still. Yes talking works well with her, my words will stab right through her heart and immediately I will get the corrected behaviour that I want. I rarely have to scream at her.

Their personalities are each at the extreme ends. My son is severely introverted. He prefers to zone out into his own world and space. Asking him to share his thoughts is like asking a miser to treat you to a meal. It actually pains me to have a chat with him. I've to be mentally charged and arm myself with a mental spade to dig out his thoughts. It's exhausting just having a 10 minutes chat with him. And his train of thoughts- oh man. It takes me to nowhere. Every thought brings me to another thought which brings me to another. 

Unlike my son, my doll loves to share with me about anything and everything. She tells me about school, what she sees, what she thinks, what she likes, what she is curious about and yada yada yada. She's systematic, I know where her thoughts bring me to. It's structured and logical. While my son irritates me with his bare minimum conversation, my daughter irritates me with her non stop yakking. So you see what I mean by being in a psychotic warfare all the time? 

And oh the food that they like- are from different continents. Sonshine is a true blue Asian man who prefers rice and sushi. While my daughter is a European girl preferring spaghetti and pizza. At times, the family have to split up for our meals just so to satisfy their individual cravings. 

And their developmental abilities differ. My son is a mathematician, he is like a fish in the water when it comes to numbers. My daughter needs repetitive practise. But when it comes to language ability, the opposite is true. 

My son is clearly an introvert who prefers to stay home, bury himself in his books & toys or simply lie on the bed and go on a whimsical journey in his head. He rejects anything that requires him to get out of shell and anything that demands his time away from home. That explains why I, unlike all the other parents out there, have not send my son for any enrichment classes like music, sports and what-nots. If you must know, that is not my choice.

 

My daughter on the other hand, is the social butterfly who wants to try everything and anything. Unlike my son, she has plenty of classes- all non academic, from piano to dance to art and she enjoys them all. I would rarely find her lying quietly on her bed. Even when she's playing by herself, her voice can be heard. She wants to try and experience new things. She always enjoys herself in any social situation she is in. Throw her in the playground and she will find a friend or friends in seconds. 

Their differences tear me apart on a daily basis. I basically feel that I've to  literally switch my personality when dealing with them. One moment I'm yelling and the next I'm using a calm voice, one moment I'm demanding a child to share more and on the other I'm telling the other to quieten down. I have no doubt they are confused by me- ironically. 

Yet I sometimes seek refuge in their differences. When I need someone to perk me up, I spend girly time win my daughter. She's like my lamp who lights me up. But when I need to have some quiet company, my son is the way to go. 

The other night, splitting up for dinner as usual, I had dinner with my son whilst the hub had dinner with my doll. That night, I wanted a downtime where I can find refuge in my book. I appreciated that my son was comfortable with the total silence at our table. I believe he was relieved himself that I didn't demand him to chat as he also wanted to withdraw into his own thoughts and make quiet observations. I am certain that if I had paired up with my daughter that night, she would have pierced the silence with her incessant chatting throughout the entire meal and I would have to forgo my downtime.

I suppose I can't blame anyone else except myself. I've a bit of a split personality myself. My personality test results showed that I am both an introvert AND extrovert with only one point difference between the two. This is why I can understand both introverts and extroverts. I completely understand my son's need to have his downtime, his preference for home rather than social outings. I can also understand my daughter's need to get out and let her social skills let loose. My extrovert side gets annoyed with my introvert son and my introvert side gets annoyed with my daughter's extrovert side. But at the same time the introvert in me appreciates the introvert in the boy and the loud me appreciates my bubbly daughter. 

It's psychotic in my house, I tell you. 

Are we raising one-track minded children?

Sonshine recently brought home a math worksheet. One of the question was an algebra type of a problem sum. 

The student is required to solve the question by drawing out models. In this particular question, two blank equations were printed on the given space and Sonshine had to fill in the blanks with the correct workings. In order words, it has been depicted for him that he has to use a specific method to solve the question. 

Sonshine solved it. BUT...

He couldn't cough out that two equations that was demanded upon him. He used another method to crack the problem which explains why he couldn't produce that particular two equations required. 

In the end, I had to teach him the method that the educators WANT him to use to solve this question. And so he did. He produced the exact workings in perfect order that the markers wanted to see. 

This got me asking why is our education system so fixated on using ONE set method to solve a problem. Here is a child who is able use his own creative thinking skills to solve the problem. And on the other side, we have educators who insist on the students using their one and only method to solve the questions. 

I'm quite certain that if he had handed in the answer without the workings, he would have been penalised- never mind that he got the right answer. Because it was clearly stated that the student has to use that particular way (aka two step equation) to solve the question. 

We should be applauding him for demonstrating creative thinking skills. But instead, we penalize him for not using THE specific method that WE want. 

Why does it bother me? Because I fear over time he learns that it's not acceptable to think out of the box; that over time his thinking process gets boxed in and he may lose that ability to think beyond the textbooks. 

Recently, an article tracked down the adults who were child prodigies. It wanted to see how these kids were faring as adults. Sad to say, only one percent were making breakthroughs in their line of work while the rest fell short of what they were capable to do. 

And here's the quote from the article "What holds them back is that they don't learn to be original. They strive to earn the approval of their parents and the admiration of their teachers. But as they perform in Carnegie Hall and become chess champions, something unexpected happens: Practice makes perfect, but it doesn't make new.

 

The gifted learn to play magnificent Mozart melodies, but rarely compose original scores. They focus their energy on consuming existing scientific knowledge, not producing new insights. They conform to codified rules, rather than inventing their own. Research suggests the most creative children are the least likely to become the teacher's pet, and in response, many learn to keep their original ideas to themselves. In the language of the critic William Deresiewicz, they become the excellent sheep."

 

Over time, these children learn to conform their thinking process according to what the society expects them to be. They lose their own creativity and originality. And so sadly, they rarely become the best they can be.

I think our education system is heading in this direction for all our children, prodigies or not. We train the children to think in a certain manner for over ten years of their lives. We condition them to solve a problem in a specific way. We don't applaud children who are able to think differently. Instead, we reward those who can conform into the mould. We are literally raising one track minded children.

 

Yes I agree that sometimes guidelines are useful in helping the children think. But they are what they are- GUIDELINES. We have been too obsessed with sticking to the guidelines that we forget that there are other ideas that are equally effective or better yet, more ground breaking.

 

So far, I've  been pointing fingers at our education system. But us parents can also stifle our children's nature by setting too many boundaries to what they can do or cannot. Sometimes we push our children to change so that they can be more accepted socially. We tell them they have to be more vocal, to more participative because being introverts are mostly deemed as being 'weird', boys must be sporty else they are labelled as weak etc. We are essentially telling them to lose themselves and be that person the society wants them to be.  I am totally guilty of that. 

 

I have written in to his teacher and unfortunately, Sonshine was being criticised for lacking in  mathematical skills for not being able to show the workings. Well, that says a lot doesn't it?

 

Exam results and intelligence

And so the examination came and went. It was Sonshine's (and mine as a parent) first taste of a full blown examination. I ended these two years of testing journey with a conclusion that the results don't necessarily point to one's intelligence.
 

Like most parents, I once deemed that examination is a measurement of one's intelligence. The higher marks you score on paper, the more intelligent you are. I was sucked right into it. During these two years I was obsessively chasing after that one or half mark, tabulating his scores making sure he well pass that (self imposed) 'intelligent' rating . 

But I am starting to see otherwise. I think our examination is testing the child's resilience more than anything. From my observation, in order to do well, the 'good' student needs to have these traits:

1) Good memory. Since it is all about being able to recall what was taught, students with greater memory capacity will straight away have an advantage here. The child who is able to regurgitate all that he has learn in that one year within that one hour and half testing will be the 'better' performer.

2) Be Meticulous- I have heard many, many parents say that their children understands the concepts but fail to do well because of careless mistakes. My child is no exception. Many times he would be able to score that full marks if not for that careless mistakes. So it makes me think that all our kids need, is not to be more intelligent but to be more meticulous.

3) Maturity- I find kids being kids they are not aware of the consequences of not studying hard and have no concept of reaping from hard work. But that said, there are some mature ones who fully understand this and hence work very hard toward this goal.

4) Motivation- Some kids just want to win. They want to grab that first spot. Some are simply self-motivated and driven, period. This trait alone is enough to spur them to work hard to do well.

5) Conscientiousness - Sometimes all it takes is for a child to spend that extra time to study to do well for the paper. I find that it is the hardworking students who usually perform.

6) Parental input- Like it or not, most students who do better have parents who helped them behind the scenes. Some students have parents who sits down with them everyday and revised their work with them. Or other parents who fork out more cash to pay for extra classes. Unfortunately, those who have less parental input generally do poorer and it is not because they are any lesser than their peers. Yes, it is that unfair.

7) Works well under pressure- Sometimes it is not that the child doesn't know he's work. Sometimes, it is because of the stress of completing the paper in a limited time that made  his mind shut down in that one and half hour. The child who can manage the pressure better will do well on paper.

8) Intelligence- But of course. Some level of intelligence is required to be able to grasp and apply the concepts right? But hey! Unless the child has some learning disability, I think all children are intelligent in their own right. Just have a conversation with them and you will be blown away by what they tell you.

I think, however, being intelligent alone will not get a student very far. He needs to posses all or most of the above to be able to perform well. Because an intelligent but lazy or careless student, can still be easily surpassed by another with average intelligence but more motivated, conscientious and meticulous.

What am I saying? I am saying that the exam results say nothing more than the child's personality traits and his state of being. It does not necessarily mean that your child is more or less intelligent than his peers. It could mostly mean that the child is not or is meticulous or need strategies to cope with pressure etc.  The exam results are but a very poor indication of he's intelligence. Because as I said, it is not  always the intelligent students who do well in the exams, it is the students who have a good combination of the above traits.   Let's not get too hung up by their grades and deem that they are less intelligent than that kid next door.

Source

I try to use the exams to hone desirable traits. I try to not tie it to his intelligence.  I tell Sonshine that it is not about him being intelligent or not, it is about whether he is willing to work hard or not. I want to him understand the principles of hard work, about reaping what he sow. Rightly or not, I tie his grades to his willingness to work hard. When he doesn't do well, I tell him it is because he didn't work hard enough or vice versa. I hope he can see that the harder he work, the better the results not just in academics but also in every aspect of his life.

I may sound like some expert or that I have it altogether. The truth is, I don't. I totally go berserk when he loses a mark here and there. I am too ashamed to reveal the number of times I took out on him over that one mark, or the harsh words I said to him. I think I totally lost myself these two years. But thank God for His grace; I am washed by His blood and I can start anew. I wrote all the above not to show that I have it better than everyone. It is but a reflection on how I can change my perspectives in this paper chasing system. Hopefully, it can help someone else but more importantly, hopefully it can help me and the future me. :D

The exams are done, the results are out. There is nothing we can do to undo the mistakes, we can only move forward. For now, let's look forward to the long holidays and just enjoy our children! Yahoo!  

The Sun, Pluto and heaven

photo credit

 

 

 

Yesterday, I had an interesting discussion with Sonshine. He started by throwing me a question. He asked me what was the name of the robot (I was later told it was a spacecraft) that reached the dwarf planet, Pluto.

 

I had no clue! I shot that question to my husband over the watsapp and found out that it was called NASA The Horizon. Feeling very intellectual, I shared that information with Sonshine and even tried to challenge him by asking him if he knew how long it took for the spacecraft to reach Pluto. I had ' almost a decade' as the answer but he quickly shot back, '9 years'. I was stumped. I was sure my answer was correct because during our staycation at Shangri-La Hotel last weekend, we had a copy of National Geographic. It was then I read that the robot or spacecraft, took 'almost a decade' to reached Pluto. But my 8 year old boy's answer was even more specific than that!

 

Apparently, he read from that same copy of National Geographic that the craft left earth in 2006 and so, he did his own calculation. I was stumped because as I recall, he barely read the magazine nor was interested enough to look at it. As far as I remember, he merely flipped the pages for a few seconds. I even tried to interest him to read but he shrugged me off. I had the impression that he wasn't interested so I left it as it was.

 

How wrong was I.

I regretted not taking back that copy because he went on to ask me more questions.

 

'How fast was the robot travelling?'

'Would it be flying to the other dwarf planets?'

'What is the coldest DWARF planet in the WHOLE UNIVERSE?'

'How cold is Pluto?'

'Why can't that same robot go on to other planets? WHY? WHY?'

 

And the very knowledgeable me replied 'I don't know, I don't know, I don't know'.

But he wouldn't let me off and kept on with his questions until I convinced with some sort of answers.

 

And as I was trying to sift out the answers on google for him, I found out about another dwarf planet called Ceres. I offered that information to him thinking it was new to him only to be told that he 'already knows'. He could even tell me Ceres is positioned after Mars. I discovered he also knew all the 5 known dwarf planets to date, its names and even their locations. 

 

All of a sudden, I felt really stupid.

 

Our conversation led on to the Sun and that was when I shared that the scientist believed that there would be an explosion on the Sun and us earthlings would only have 12 hours to protect ourselves. He responded with a flurry questions, when, how, why etc. But what amused me was that he concluded that the scientist will eventually invent a shield to protect the earth. And that God will give the mortals some sort of ear muffs to protect their ears from the sound of the explosion. I told him but it won't happen until a billion years later and he said he was thinking for the future humans in a billion years, LOL!

 

We went on to talked about the universe, God and heaven. He said that he believes In heaven there is no time. I thought he learnt that from the children's church but he said no, he simply said 'I KNOW that'. And he is quite right.

 

He also asked me where is Heaven.

I told him it is beyond the universe.

 And that was when he suddenly said this

 

"I want to live in the same house as you" 

 

"But, you are living in the same house as me!" I retorted

 

He said "I mean when we are in heaven."

 

''Why?'' I asked.

 

''Because I love you''

 

And that concludes the day when my son made me feel really stupid but really, really loved. 

 

 

 

 

Thankful Tuesdays

This post by Petunia Lee has somewhat knock me in the head. Indeed I have been far too focus on what my son cannot do than what he can do best. I always hound him for that 0.9% rather than applaud him for that 99.1%. I am hereby challenging myself to list down his strengths.

 

 

1) He's independent

 

I can trust him to manage his own school work. Very rarely I have to hover around neither do I need to send him constant reminders. I can fully rely on him to tell  me his homework  for the day rather than checking what was instructed in his hand book. I can also leave him alone to complete his homework; I don't have to nag him to do his work nor coach him.

 

2) He always does his best

Sonshine puts in effort in his school work. He's been like this since kindergarten days. I recall the kindergarten teachers, even those who didn't teach him, would come up  to me and praise him for his efforts. They said they could tell he really put in a great deal of effort to achieve what the teachers want. Now at primary school, he's Chinese teacher also recognises Sonshine efforts when it comes to his school work. She was so impressed once that she sent me a Watsapp during class praising him for his good effort. 

3) He is responsible

I was prepared for reports of lost items f& replacing water bottles, pencil cases and what nots when he began his primary school journey. Surprisingly I have none of that. He always brings home his belongings intact- nothing missing till to this very day. I can trust him to take care of his belongings.

4) He is self motivated

Once I totally forgot that he had spelling the next day. I was only reminded when I saw him taking out his textbook and revising on his own. Still clueless, I questioned him why  only then did I realised he was revising for spelling. Needless to say, I was more than happy that he takes ownership of his work. 

The other day, he had to list down of words with a particular ending that was difficult to look them up in the dictionary. I had to help him by giving him clues and how to think for more words. After he managed to list down about 5 words, I told him to stop there since he was only required to 'list down as many words as possible'. But he insisted to complete all the blanks. But this mama was lazy and refused to help him any further. Instead of closing his book, he persisted and thought hard on his own until he completed the list.
 

5)  He is a planner

 

We are a party family. So over the weekends (which starts on Friday for us) we regularly chill out till late into the night. There's hardly pockets of  time for Sonshine to do his homework. However, he surprises me by waking up earlier than all of us on Sunday mornings so that he can quietly complete his homework before we head to church. I'm heartened that this boy is able to think ahead & plan without our inputs.

 

At school, he also manages his time well. He tells me that he will break his recess time such that he has enough time to eat, visit the loo, play and head to the assembly area before the bell rings. Everyday. Whoa, the discipline he has!

 

+++++++

 

 

I am thankful that he posseseed these traits, I cannot say that the credit is all mine (although I would love too, LOL!). These characteristics are indeed more valuable than scoring the As in schools. For if he continues to hold on to these traits, I know it will bring him far in his adult life (of course with Christ guiding & honing these traits in Sonshine).

 

Creating this list does help me to see Sonshine in a different light. It helps me to appreciate his strengths more than set my eyes on his shortcomings. I am truly thankful that he is blessed with these strengths. And I am blessed to be called his mama.

 

Now it's your turn to list down your child's strengths.

 

 

I'm a tiger mum, helicopter & a kiasu* parent!

In many ways, I have the DNA of a tiger mom stamped all over me. There are dozen of areas where I simply cannot keep my hands off when it comes to Sonshine's schooling. One of which is his academic results.

 

I have no qualms about sending him to school knowing that he is going to get a scolding because he has forgotten to pack his bag or due to an incomplete homework. I can also easily allow him to pepper mistakes all over his homework and let him get corrected by the teacher. But when it comes to graded work, I morphed into a different parent. I keep myself up to date on his test dates, the percentage weightage and scrutinise every mark Sonshine is given or not given. I ensure that he gets ample revisions before each tests. I scream bloody murder at him over some careless mistakes and horror of horrors, if he doesn't bring home the full marks. So what happened to all that talk about letting him fail and learn? I confess with both hands punching into the air, I dare not allow him fail his tests. It will mortify me and send me panicking like a headless chicken in a coop. But how come I am ever so willing to let him commit mistakes in some areas but not in others? I stump myself too.

 

Perhaps it's because I am aware of his potential. I want him to perform at his maximum capacity, no less. If he is capable of a certain grade, be it A or B or C, then he jolly well bring it home. Anything less than what he is capable of is unacceptable to me. You may 'tsk' at me for expecting full marks from him, but in my defence, his school papers are relatively easy. In fact, they are way below standard. For now, I know he is capable of  bringing home that full marks, and that's why I am hound at him even for that missing 1 mark. 

 

The thing is, I want him to cultivate the right attitude in the task he is given. I want him to learn that he has to put his best efforts in his work and reach his fullest potential. I don't want him to settle for anything less than what he is able to achieve. I don't want him to think mediocre effort, and hence mediocre result, is okay. That's why I burn with anger and get down hard on him if he brings home less than acceptable results.

 

Since we stepped into this primary school journey, I also learnt that it not always the smart students who are at the top of the game. It is mostly the hardworking ones. The former is confident of his own abilities hence becomes complacent & less meticulous. While the latter knows very well he is lacking and hence puts in the extra effort. I don't want Sonshine to just limit himself to what he is capable of. I want him to understand that one needs to work hard in order to reap the results. That's why I pushed him alot to revise for his upcoming tests and what nots. Truth is, quite often, I suspect he can do without the practise. But I don't want to let him know that. I want him to think that it is because he had put in extra effort to revise and that's why he can score well.

 

I don't think I'll put on the same demands on Doll because I know her learning abilities are not that of Sonshine's. I would accept less than a full marks from her because it takes alot more from her to achieve that than her brother. As long, as she brings home her best, it is all well with me.

 

Or perhaps, I am just kidding myself. Perhaps, I belong to the kiasu parents who wants her child to be the best and not lose out in the rat race. Perhaps, when the time comes, I will be the same tiger mom to Doll.

 

I so yearn to not be academic driven. It eats me up and I hate morphing into an angry monster over that pathetic one mark. But the flesh is certainly very weak. However, what is encouraging is that I am less anal this year than I am last year. Perhaps, I would be even more chill next year and the year after, and the year after? I certainly hope so. Check back on me, 3 years later, will ya?

 

*kiasu- someone who is afraid to lose out in the rat race (my own definition)

 

 

 

My Sonshine, the introvert

Sonshine is extremely introverted, but don't confused him as being shy. He's not shy. He has no qualms stepping into a room full of strangers nor speaking up in class whenever he has to. Yet he's severely introverted. 

Introvert comes from Latin intro-, "inward," and vertere, "turning." It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone. (Quote)

Shy: nervous or timid in the company of other people. (Credit: google)

 

Sonshine typically turns inward more than outward. He does not share his thoughts readily. In fact, he guards his mind like a hawk as if it is some kind of treasure chest. He refuses to let but a selected few into his mind. Sometimes, he even keeps me out. 

 

When asked, he would usually keep people at bay by giving answers they want to hear or simply say 'I don't want to tell you'. Or the quickest way, as he had figured out is to say 'I don't know' even when he is quite an expert in the said topic. (That frustrates my husband and I to no end!) It is then very hard to accept his initial response because one never knows if he is telling the truth. Sometimes he is but I doubt it, he would change his answer to satisfy me. By then, I don't know which is his true answer. Yes, it can be pretty confusing conversing with him. Sometimes, I even have to assure him that it ok to say negative things like 'I don't like the rice' or 'I didn't enjoy the movie' etc. It can be challenging and exhausting sieving out his feelings and thoughts. One needs to spend an incredible amount of time to understand him. Even then, his mother, who spends and is spending his lifetime with him, sometimes thinks she doesn't truly know him.

 

When in class or social settings, when someone says something erroneous, he wouldn't point out the mistake but will make a mental note in his head.  While most children will correct the person on the spot, not for Sonshine. He would have twinkle in his eyes and a little smirk on his face. But that's as far as he would go.  Sometimes he would secretly come and tell me, like hours or days later, about the mistake.  Sometimes he just keeps it to himself.

He is also a typical loner. He is alone but not lonely. I feel sad for him but he is fine with it. In fact, I suspect he wants it to be this way. I used to worry about him until I noticed that when the social setting is of his interest, he would readily join in with his friends and play his heart out with them. But again, he is selective in his choices. And I also realised, the people he loves and treasures most is us, his family. He seems to be more than happy being with and having us so much so that he really doesn't need anyone else to make him any happier.

 

While most children would want to get out of the house, Sonshine is always more than happy to stay home. I would find him engrossed in his own activities  building his Lego township, drawing up complicated game plans or maps, reading, researching the bus and street directories etc. I can leave him be for hours and often have to be the one to disrupt his quiet time. It is quite a chore to get him out of the house. The whole family would be waiting for him outside the house, screaming at him to stop his activities and hurry out. When we are out, he would whine or asked us when we can go home. This irritates me alot and sometimes I would threatened that I would throw him out of the car!  

 

Years ago, I didn't know better. I was beyond frustrated and very worried. I was even convinced he had autism. In his toddler days, he did not respond to people and appeared that he was unaware that people were interacting with him. But when I demand that he pays them an answer, he would instantly sprout out his responses even before we could repeat the questions. That showed me that he heard what was being asked but he chose to ignore. This still shows up today but in another form; he 'ignores' by replying 'I don't know'. Even as a toddler, he was unwilling to share what was on his mind. He rarely pointed or shared with us what he saw. Most toddlers, like my doll, would scream and point out excitedly whenever they see something interesting. Not Sonshine, yet you can tell he was quietly studying his environment with all his senses. But because pointing was part of the milestone, I worried. But when I asked him to tell me where an object like a cat or a bus is, he would nonchalantly point it out to me almost as if to tell me to stop asking him ridiculous questions. LOL.

 

Even at preschool years, he kept to himself. When we are out with our friends over a meal, his entire body would turn away from the table. While the other kids are goofing about with each other, he would be sitting there, eyes studying the environment.  Again, it worried me. I thought it must be autism.  Only months later, did I understand why he acted that way. He didn't tell me, I had to observed. At that time he was very keen and passionate about buildings, its designs, the number of stories they have, the shop units etc. He also liked to regurgitate the buildings he saw in his drawings and even add in his own designs. He built his Lego drawing inspirations from the buildings he saw whenever we are out. Then I realised, why he appeared so 'withdrawn' whenever we are out, he was too busy studying the buildings, shops, roads, buses, cars etc.

 

I spent those years crying my heart out, going from one therapists to another and even got him checked. I remember several therapists telling me that they didn't want to see me or rather him, because he was obviously ok. But I was still unconvinced as I needed an explanation for his quirkiness. Only much later on, when I read up on introverts, then it all clicked. He wasn't delayed in his development, he was merely turning inward. And although he didn't talk much to his peers, he was socially acute. In fact, too socially acute! He later told me he does not want to talk in class because 'teacher said cannot talk'. =_=  He would constantly be on his toes, kept his eyes and ears alert and obeyed his teachers instructions to the T.

 

Today, I am thankful he is slowly opening himself up though not as much as his peers, but surely. He no longer turns his body away during meal times and would attempt to strike conversations with his friends. If he wants to, he can play with his classmates (but only after school because he wants to be at his best behaviour in school). He is less interested in the environment now but more in his social settings. I am also thankful that he knows when to play his cards - at least in school he doesn't tell his teachers 'I don't know', LOL! Although last year, I did suspect he purposely gave the wrong answers on his papers. Only scoldings after scoldings did he change this year. Sigh.

 

Reading up on introverts also helped me to understand him better. It explains why he acts a certain way. Every single thing he did in his preschool years and does now, points to his introvert nature. I worry less now. Instead, I take a step back and respect that he needs his alone time and space. I try not to pry his mind open against his will but I also try to get him to express himself. I discovered that as long as I take a step back, he would take a step forward and readily shares what is on his mind.

 

Dear Sonshine, mummy wants you to know that it is ok to be an introvert. It took me so so long and buckets of tears just to unravel the mystery in you and still solving many other unknowns. But I still love you in any shape and form. I hope as you grow older, you will also find pleasure in sharing your thoughts with others. You are not here alone on this earth, I hope you will discover that there is enjoyment in sharing your time and space with others at times. I pray that God will position kingdom friends around you, friends whom you are comfortable in sharing your mind and heart with. You know we absolutely adore and love you just the same.

Love always & forever, your Mummy.

Tuition or no tuition?

This is the question that haunts every parent of school going kids. Should we send our children for tuition? Is it necessary?

It all boils down to the individual parent and child, their expectations, values and even skill sets. There is no right nor wrong, the choice is a personal one. It is as personal as choosing how to dress oneself.

Some parents are happy with average grades, to them tuition is redundant and not needed. To some parents,  academic success is everything. Tuition is to them is needful as it helps the children get the results they want. Some are motivated by fear. Fear that their children will 'lose out' to the others. Fear that the kids will develop low self esteem because of poor grades. Fear that their off springs cannot enter into good secondary schools which eventually determines their next education route. Hence, they are ever so willing to dig into their pockets for tuition as a way to fight off their fears.

Other parents are 'forced' into accepting tuition. At first, they professed that they are determine to ward off tuition but eventually they had to succumb to the tuition fever because they realise their children are falling far behind and are struggling. They have no choice but to step in (with money) to help their kids. For what can a parent do in such a situation? Leave them in lurch?

Parents aside, the decision to have tuition also lies with the student. Some children really need that extra classes to keep up at school. Perhaps because the pace at school is too fast for them. Some others need tailored lessons to help them understand the subjects.  But there are students who do not need any extra help and still can attain above average scores. In fact, even better than those students who have tuition. These are the independent, hardworking and motivated students who have no need for tuition. Of course, there are also the above average students who specifically asked for tuition because they want to better themselves. They find tuition is necessary to give them that extra boost or to help maintain their grades.

The answer to the question is varied.  It all depends what we want our children to achieve, how able our children is in handling pressure. But as we consider enrolling our kids for tuition there are some things to think about.

1) Will tuition really help the child? We have erroneously believe that tuition is the magical formula. We think having tuition will miraculously turn our children's grades around. I beg to differ. I think tuition will help improve grades if the child himself is a keen learner. An unmotivated student will absorb nothing as long as he is not interested in learning no matter how much money and time is spent on tuition. Brain science proved that the brain shuts down when the subject at hand is too easy or too challenging. I believe this happens also if the subject is not of our interest. Take me for an example. When I had tuition at primary school, my grades still hovered around borderline. My brain simply shut down (perhaps because I deem the work too challenging for me then). But when I got older, I decided to get my act together. I taught myself and worked harder.  I was determine to prove to myself and others that I am not all that stupid. In the end, I scored well even without tuition. If tuition can indeed help the child inherit more confidence in managing a subject, I say go for it. Otherwise, I think it is necessary to relook what is the root cause of the below par results. Tuition is not always the answer.

2) Does the child really need help? Some kids are simply self driven. They pay attention in class, grasp concepts well and give their best in their school work. Yet some parents still enrol them for extra classes, as I said earlier, purely out of fear, 'just in case'. Apparently, I am talking about myself. At the moment (I say 'at the moment' because I am fully aware that lower primary curriculum is a breeze), Sonshine is coping well in school. Still, I enrolled him for Mandarin and English lessons. Many times over, I asked myself if he really needs the classes. Sometimes, I wonder if the classes really helps him. Honestly, I cannot tell if these classes have any direct effect on his grades. I am pretty sure he is able to attain his grades even without the tuition. He is quite the independent learner. His school work is also relatively easy, easier than the tuition classes. Many times I notice that the curriculum in his tuition classes is not in line with his school work. They each have their own curriculum which makes me wonder how are his tuition classes helping or even relevant to his school work? And I question a thousand times if he is applying anything he learns at tuition to his school work?  Yet what is holding me back from withdrawing the tuition? FEAR. I worry that if I don't give him the head start, he may not cope in the future. It hasn't even happen, yet I am already worrying. Typical Singaporeans isn't it? I know I am not alone. So I am asking myself and urging others to think about it. Does the child really need help? Can he manage without the class? If he can cope well then why add more onto his already packed schedule that would only eat into his free time? Is it not better to free up his time so that he can have time for relaxation and enjoyment? *Nudging thyself*

3) Do we want self driven or overly reliant children? A friend who's son is in primary 5 said she became a SAHM to focus on her son's school work. She pushed her son to work hard and like many of us, also sign her child for tuition classes. Last year, her efforts paid off. The son improved by leaps and bounds and even got an award. Yet, she is still not happy. She shared with me that this achievement is only possible with her hovering around her child and pushing him. Ultimately, she wants her son to 'fly' on his own with minimal effort from her. She worries that he will still rely on external help even when he enters secondary school. What she wants is a child who can take ownership of his own work and eventually, his own life. To think for himself and learn to make choices himself. She is considering withdrawing tuition and let him go. She is even prepared for mediocre PSLE scores just so that he can start to learn. She raised a very good point and I credit her for being a far sighted parent despite all the upcoming PSLE drama.

It is something we need to think about too. Do we rather a child who knows to make the right choices i.e. study hard for themselves or a child who needs his mama and papa to help him make the right decisions? Besides, is there any glory when a child do well because of tuition? It is almost like an office worker getting a promotion because of his 'special' network with the upper management. Is there glory in that? Take me for example, that sense of self confidence and sense of achievement cannot be described when I attain good grades solely from my hard work & with no help. I realised then, even as a mere student, that there was nothing I could not do as long as I put my heart into it. With that same strength and motivation, I went on to do well in my 'As' and got into University faculty of my choice. Till today, I stand proud of my achievements and it is a constant reminder to me that I have what it takes in me to succeed. We want our children to know that for themselves too don't we? We do not want them to look back and say 'oh I did well because I had help'.


I am not against tuition. As I had confessed, I enrolled my own son for tuition. It is a personal choice and there is really no right nor wrong. Sometimes tuition is necessary at other times, it is not. It is our role as parents to study our children's needs and know how to balance our expectations against their developments. We must also be wise in knowing when we should pull our children out of tuition classes (like my friend) and put a stop to it. We have to be very clear what we want for our children and remember that PSLE and the other major exams are not the ultimatum, it is but the begining of their lives. We should make our decisions not based on short sighted goals like PSLE. We got to play the tuition cards very carefully and wisely.

So, is tuition necessary? The answer lies with you.
 

Catching Mr 'Z'

Recently, this article has caused a little buzz amongst us parents of Primary school going kids.  It talks about how the majority of our Primary school kids are not clocking enough hours of bedtime a day. What was more surprising to me was the activities the kids are allowed to do just before their bedtime; watching television was listed as the top activity.

 

I am not here to judge. Everyone has their way of doing things. For us, having enough sleep is of utmost importance. Ever since I became a mother, my schedule and routine revolves around the kids' nap. When Sonshine was a toddler, I used to rush home for his naps or declined any meet ups with friends whenever it clashes with his nap time. Even up till today, I go straight home (unless he has other classes) after picking him up from school so that he can have his noon naps. Sometimes his classmates would hang out for lunch after school, but I usually turn down because of, well yes, nap.

 

Before the article was published, I wondered if all this was worth the hassle. I looked at the other families' routine and they seem to be more flexible and carefree. Whereas, here I am running a military schedule all because I want to adhere to their nap time. In order for them to nap, I give up time for other things like playdates, unscheduled outings and even outdoor time. It also can be very tiring, rushing about & making sure everyone is keeping to the clock. Friends also seem to frown upon me when they see me rushing home for their naps.  Of course, I am not so rigid and sometimes would make exceptions but only on special occasions. But in general, I do my best to ensure that they don't skip naps and they take naps at home, not outside. I do this by making sure we follow the same old routine day in day out.

 

I did think to put the kids earlier to bed so that they can clock their 'zzz's. But that means they either won't get to see their father or have to compete with each other for his attention within that short 30 minutes or less. I thought that would be too stressful and frustrating for everyone. Also, I do think it is better to give their bodies and minds a break in mid day then to stretch them till bedtime.

 

I am also very strict about the activities they do before bedtime. Electronic devices prior to that is a big big no no for me. I know it messes up our minds and disturbs our sleep if we allow screen time before we sleep. I am a living example. I used to watch movies just before my bedtime and I usually end up with intense dreams on those very nights. Needless to say, it robbed me of a good sleep and I even ended up clenching my teeth in my sleep. I am an adult, so what more the kids? I don't even allow the television to be switched even though is on sports channel or what nots. It is a strict no no. Don't even talk about ipads which is not allowed on weekdays.

 

Therefore, this article came just about the right time. It assures me that my daily military routine is quite necessary and that I am doing the right thing. I also realised that the children don't always appear to be sleepy even though they really are very tired. Doll for instance, can still be upbeat and fresh looking despite being extremely tired. How do i know? Because the next moment when I put her to bed, she's straight off to La La Land. Same goes for Sonshine. Sometimes, we need to swoop in and take control rather than wait for signs to show.

 

Judge me not please!

As soon as My hub and I settled into our seats, we quickly whisked out our phones and hand it over to our kids. We ordered our supper and happily daze away in peace. 

I am aware of the judging glances and what other parents or non parents are saying of us. Probably shaking their heads and passing judgement on us for exposing our children to electronics instead of having a quality, in depth, eye to eye conversation. Some times, I ignore them. At times, I just want to yell out and tell them my reasons, or some may say excuses. Most of time, I just quietly tell them in my head, pretending that I can send mind to mind message to them. 

Since I can't quite turn to these strangers and tell them to stop passing judgement on me- I shall do it here on my blog. Before you pass judgement on other parents: here are some of my 'excuses' and perhaps other parents too.

1) You have no idea how hard it is to feed my kids. You are very lucky that your kids love and enjoy eating but mine do not. I do not need to explain extensively how hard it is just trust me- it's tortorous and it drove me to tears and near depression many a times multiply that by 2 kids. Giving them the phone, distracts them so that I can deceptively stuff the spoonful of food into their mouths. But don't you worry, I am discerning enough to know when to put a stop to this bad habit. Now that Sonshine is older, we can order him to eat without the phone and he's been phone free during meal times for a long time. As for doll, I'm working right at it. But you probably don't know all these and it's easier for you to judge me in that mere moment you remotely met me in the restaurant. 

2) Sometimes we need to space out. I don't have a live in helper nor grand parents whom I can easily hand my kids over to get away. In other words, the kids are with me 24/7, all year round and it repeats itself. There's no escape route for me- na da. In order to get some peace and quiet, to earn myself some quietness, I hand them the phones just to shut them up. You may see a family at a dining place with kids furiously tapping their fingers on the phones while the parents daze away. But you never know, they may have had a horribly bad day just before stepping into the restaurant. And just to earn themselves some chill time, they liberally allow their kids to tap away on the phones. Cut them some slack will you?

3) Trust me, I am not as liberal at home as I am when I am out. At home & on weekdays when we hardly go out for meals, it's hands-off from the phones/iPads. They have zero iPhone/iPad play time on weekdays. My kids know that and they don't suffer from any form of withdrawal symptoms either. Neither do they ask to play, not even a squeak. But knowing that they really enjoy playing and watching, we decide to let them play when we go out and eat on weekends. Just to reward them for being phone free for the entire week or well, simply put a smile on their faces. Again, you wouldn't know that would you? Seeing my kids glued on the iPhones during meal times, it was so easy to make an assumption that my kids are ALWAYS on the electronic devices, wasn't it? You wouldn't have known that that was their only precious tiny opportunity to play on the phones for the entire week, would you? I don't expect you to but, don't be quick to judge ya?

4) And ahem, my kids are doing well in their studies so, I know that their time on the iPhone is not wasting their brains. Don't you worry, I watch them like a hawk in this aspect, especially for doll since she is still very young. But the fact that her attention span is great (she gives her full attention during our reading time), not easily distracted, she learns well and retains well, I think a little exposure to the iPhone is not hurting her and Sonshine. 

There I let it out! Should I print this out and hand it to the next parent who throw me a dirty glare? LOL! Seriously, I think at this day and age, it is not realistic to abstain our kids from electronics. The exposure is everywhere. That said, of course I'm not for kids playing electronic devices especially at such a young age either.  And if possible, I will choose not to expose them. But I have succumbed and instead of regretting it, I decide to allow it but control my kids' usage and what they are exposed to wisely. I think the key is how we parents manage it. It is very much like fire, it can be a good servant but it may be a very very bad master. So parents should always lord over the phones and not the other way around. Wisdom and a lot of control is key. 

So anyway, next time you see a family with kids lost in the world of iPhones in dining areas; don't be too quick to pass a judgement. Let's cut each other some slack, parents to parent! :)